“And that’s how the West was won!” –Him after we have sex.
Husband to cousin, 7: “You look like you’ve gotten bigger.”
Cousin: “Yeah, that’s because I’m growing.”
Husband: “I hope so. Otherwise you’d have a pituitary or endocrine problem.”
WARNING ALL HUSBANDS:
When your wife tells you she feels super fat, DO NOT GO SILENT.
Him: “I’m scared one minute you’re taking placenta pills, then the next minute, you’re eating human flesh.”
Me: “Honey, it’s not a gateway drug…”
Witnessing a newborn burp and fart at the same time is the closest you’ll ever get to seeing a person explode.
Ask your grandma what she thinks of your kid’s hyphenated last name IF YOU WANNA SEE HER LIE HER ASS OFF.