My husband and I have to work together to put a fitted sheet on our bed. See you in 16 hours.
The real crime was that no one in the New Moms group had the foresight to see that we had all the makings for a killer drug swap.
The worst part about the New Moms group was that everyone brought their annoying baby.
How NOT to tell your spouse to hurry:
Him: “Let’s go! Move your ass.”
Me: “Um, you wanna try that again?”
Him: “Beep, beep, mother-fucker!”
“I just sliced my toe on one of your dried boogers!!”
(If you want to know what Mondays sound like in our house).
I used to play dead, then laugh when my husband started panicking.
Now my newborn pretends to choke, then laughs when I start screaming.
Like he’s some sort of karma wizard.
Can someone tell my husband “We Want Some Pussy” is not an appropriate lullaby?